1001 Crushes for Sabra

Recent Crushes:

1. Action Jackson - health food store cashier with a tattoo of a Rotisserie Chicken on his upper arm. Rocker hot and in a band. I'm pretty sure he has a hot rocker girlfriend and I'm too much nerd for him but I have sustained this crush for at least a year.

2. Josh the naked toilet sitting musician - Cuuute but so cute I couldn't bring myself to objectify him with one of my fickle crushes. If I were to like him he'd be the type I'd like forreals. He's geographically unavailable, probably too young, and I am probably not his type should geography and age cease to be a problem. So instead I take comfort in knowing there are great guys out there.

3. Rob - Smart, funny, similar interests, and his brain is so hot I want to lick his cranium. However not only is he sort of a space cadet in someways and he has a girlfriend who he appears to be luke-warm over. He also has a penchant of dating girls who cheat on him or who are overly possessive or outright crazy and I do mean crazy in the real sense of the word. Something about continuing to be with a girl who he doesn't like that much, dating a girl who locked him up and tried to convert him to Scientology, and nearly every long term gf he has had has cheated him says something about him - that he repeatedly chooses women who are bad news. I am not bad news. I am good news (for the most part) and would only want to be with some one who wants good news.

4. The Pie boy- wonderfully distracting and sexually stimulating. My hard on is directly proportional to his wit and cleverness. I think I might have scared him off b/c the boy did seriously do some good stuff to me and I am all about getting as much good stuff as possible. I was *so* all over him. I can't complain. I had fun while it lasted and that's the point of any crush. I m fickle, fickle, fickle these days so even a short lag of a week or few days and I just begin to assume it's over.

devil's haircut

I got high and gave myself a bob cut with a razor blade

The Word on the Street Is

1. I'm fucking horny as hell
2. I took care of business at work today then took a half hour nap on the couch in the breast feeding room.
3. Got the pap smear taken care of.
4. Mooned over ex bf for only the short drive past his house (he lives near my doc)
5. I stopped off at home on my way back from the Dr and smoked a bowl instead of going back to work. I think it's best I head out. As much as I love playing hooky I don't want to fired.

What condition my condition is in.

Saturday I sat around the house, moped over the usual suspect, and ate too much after buying my fancy pants undies.

Sunday I drove down to Mountain View to hang out with R$ (for anonymity's sake since he got hassled by the cops last week). He initiated me into the world of pills by giving my half a Valium insisting that I chew it b/c as he said "You're a pill taker now. This is how it's done.'

Amen

We drank Tecate and Pabst Blue Ribbon and smoked some weed. We were in excellent condition. Then we threw ninja stars in the back yard of some guy who appeared to be homeless though it seems unlikely he was actually homeless as we were in his back yard which implies that the house attached to the yard is his. R was severely sleep deprived from a previous night of partying so after we took a long walk to down town Mt. View I was nearly convinced he was going to pass out on me at any moment. I wish I had photo documentation of R slumped over holding a gyro in one hand as slightly perturbed looking yuppies look on.

I love R b/c every time we hang out it's guaranteed interesting conversations combined with absurd behavior in odd locations.

Oh and if you didn't figure it out already I was high as fuck when I wrote my Harold and Kumar post. Score! More brain cells going out in a blaze of pseudo intellectual drug inspired glory.

I am Harold. I love Kumar

Harold and Kumar. I am in love. This movie is an iconic work of art. I am going to write a film theory paper on it, It's the epitome of my gen y generation. It is societal commentary heavily disguised by sex and fart juvenile humor. It breaks stereotypes by embracing them. And Kal Penn is way hot.

Current Stats

Favorite Movie: Harold and Kumar
Favorite Food: Frozen fruit and tofu enchilada casserole
Favorite Dance: The Shag

Dairy Fat

I'm eating Greek Yogurt with figs. I haven't had yogurt of any kind in 7 or more years. This is a very strange experience for me. I'm so used to the oddly sour, slightly water soygurt that no matter how good the flavor sounds still tastes like crap, even the hippiest of brands. I never wanted to go back to yogurt b/c I figured it all was like that Dannon crap, jesus what ever happened to the concept of real food.. This Greek stuff is nearly half fat and I think came nearly straight from the cow.
Dairy fat. I'm in awe. I can see why a cow is a sacred animal in some cultures.

just sad

Windsor emailed me to say he has written a song for me. 3 years and now when I want nothing more but to distance myself from him and he writes a song. I don't even know if I want to hear it b/c what if it doesn't say what I want to hear, do I even know what I want to hear? Yeah I do. Do I expect to hear what I want, no I don't. And what if by some slim chance it does, I don't know if I want to love him anymore. Why is it that when I finally make an attempt to get over him he does something that confuses my heart? I'm confused enough already.

I feel alone and sad, not the way I thought I'd feel when a boy I love writes a song for me.

Keeping my priorities straight

Agent Provocateur (gorgeous) Cream Silk bra and french panties - $300 (and no, no male to appreciate me in them and I should have spent this money on new pants since mine all look like crap or saved it but... man you should see this underwear.)
Lush brand and other assorted beauty products - $60
Food - $25.

(Despite this blog being a documentation of my irresponsibility I would like to note that I have paid ALL my bills for the month and I am perfectly fine being flat broke, sitting around the house, hungry but looking hot in my fancy undies)

1000 flushes

I've lost my tolerance for anything remotely stimulating.

I had one cup of chai with dinner, 1 fucking cup of weak chai with milk and all I can think about is the speed addict I met in Oregon who repeatedly laced and unlaced his knee high army boots over and over and over again while coming down off a high. I got the shakes like a goddamn junkie and the nervous strained giggle that comes with a bad caffeine trip.

I eat anything with onion or garlic in it (which isn't often) and within 15 minutes it starts to leak out of my pores.

The sake I drank last weekend - began to sweat it out as well within the hour.

Should i engage in Santa Cruz behavior I sweat skunk for days.

The Indian food I had tonight is not only making me sick as a d-o-g but my arm pits smell like a tandoori oven.

And you know what... well any readers out there probably don't want to know but .. there's nothing sexy about tandoori/onion/garlic cooch. Not. At. All.

So why is it that since I eat a lot of fruit I don't smell like blackberries or grapes? Why not the Italian dressing I like on my salad? Why is it that when I take shots of rose water straight I don't smell like roses? Rose water is pretty potent stuff. I heard that tisane can scent certain juices - bull shit. With a body like mine that seems to flush out food aromas like nobody's business I should smell like chamomile, lavender and jasmine by now. I should smell like a floral market.

I should appreciate that my body has decided to become a super cleaning machine but I think I'd like it more if it did it in some way that didn't require that I stink or that it would flush some fat off my stomach instead.


On a side note. I saw Zodiac tonight and my lovely friends didn't tranq me up before hand which is customary before taking me to any movie that is remotely scary since I can't handle the slightest amount of adrenaline any more either. I must find a good romantic comedy to sedate myself with.

The Boy

The boy gets me down.


THE boy,
My boy,
The boy is who isn't my boy but yet still is,
The boy that should be a man but isn't and might not ever be one.
What does it say about me that I haven't out grown him?

A dirty mind is a joy forever.

The Dutch boy at work stopped by my desk today and told me several jokes that shouldn't be repeated. He usually comes and stands at my desk anywhere from 20-40 minutes a day entertaining me with dirty jokes and the impressive feat of throwing candy up in the air and catching it one handed behind his back. If I'm lucky he does a great impression of the type of idiot girls who claim to give great head but don't know what the fuck they're talking about, you know they type, they wear the uniform of baby T's and hip hugger jeans. We have come up with the theory that these girls rely on their cheerleader looks and never take the time to properly learn the art of fellatio. The smart ones learn and often get far in life.

Hi favorite phrase is " A dirty mind is a joy forever." I have to agree with him except should he ever be overheard telling me these jokes he will find himself up PC creek without a paddle. In California it isn't considered good behavior to tell your female coworkers it is national Steak and Blow Job day or ask them if they'd like for him to "shove his cock up your poo hole." These snippets are taken out of context but at the time they had me rolling, especially the poo-hole bit.

He's totally fucking inappropriate yet utterly hysterical. And yes this post may seem hypocritical consider my previous post bashing another perv yet there is a difference. Lech Man wants to be pity fucked, Dutch boy just wants to make me laugh and while him being hot helps, he gets away with it b/c behind his pervy banter practically everything else about his screams "virgin" and "sweet boy." He wouldn't know what to do with a poo hole if one came up and bit him.

Biting poo holes, jesus, that's a thought.

Advice to Younger Versions of Dirty Old Men

I have this friend who is a dirty old man at the age of 29. Whenever we hang out he stares at my chest, drops endless hints that I should pity fuck him, drools and makes disgusting comments over other girls, and should another male approach me he immediately puts on his alpha male acts like I'm his territory. It's near the point where I almost expect him to lift his leg and piss on me like a fire hydrant. It leaves me feeling sickened and covered with pervy slime (not in the good way).

I set him up with a female acquaintance who is an attention whore and easy to boot. Problem solved temporarily. Now that they have broken up he is back sniffing around my door offering his "services". He can hold my barf bag.

Men of the world take heed. If a (relatively speaking) nice girl sets you up with her slutty friend it means she doesn't want to sleep with you EVER! NEVER EVER!! If you take the slut bait you have blown any last minuscule chance b/c not only did she not want to sleep with you before but now you are tainted by the cootie cooch thus making you akin to a leper.

Oh and that thing you did with the hooker in Mexico does nothing for your sex appeal.

Sin Is In - Sloth

Today's Sin - Sloth.


After a wrath filled weekend I took a 2 day sloth filled sabbatical in my San Francisco Apartment. Alternately swore furiously or deeply lamented over the development of my script, lusted frequently (sadly to no avail), napped frequently (with lusty dreams), reveled in my vanity by taking many long hot baths & examining my hair and various body parts in the mirror for hours on end, all while lying to my employer of my whereabouts.

I watched excessive amounts of Jason Schwartzman movies, which is difficult considering he only has a handful, and wondered if I've been missing out by not experimenting in heavier drugs. The decision was No as whatever perceived benefits are greatly out weight by the negatives, yet I can't help wonder...wouldn't I make a kick ass speed freak?

Cuz you know that we are living in a Chemical World and I am a Chemical Girl.

Chemi-c-a-al.

But if it's not drugs - what is the new frontier for me? - Deep introspective paranoia, treading the waters of self doubt (been there, done that), or pretension driven by an over developed sense of superior judgment? Or maybe I should join a cult.
I wouldn't mind having a boy but I can't be bothered to deal with the crap they tend to come with or the crap that tends to come with me.

Life Status:
No Sex
Not Enough Drugs
Where the fuck is the Rock n Roll?